You find your teen looking at porn – what you do next matters!

This might have happened to you: you pick up your son’s phone and notice a text with a picture of one of the girls in his friend group — without any clothes on.  Or you get a call from the school to let you know your son has been caught looking at pornography on his chrome book. Or a friend mentions that she saw a pornographic youtube video sent by your son on a group chat that her son was on.  

In these situations, parents can feel a real and distinct threat to the well-being of their child — fear, embarrassment, and anger can rise quickly as fight or flight instincts kick in. You might notice your pulse racing, your stomach getting tight, and you might feel the urge to get to your child and do anything and everything possible to make them stop putting themselves and others in physically and spiritually dangerous situations.  When parents are caught off guard, situations like this can bring out their worst.

If this has happened to you (or when it does), you are not a failure and you are not alone! You are simply a parent in the digital age.  And it is time to learn how to prepare yourself and your child to be able to manage this challenging time. 

Here are a few ideas to help you respond to your child in a way that will help build connection and learning, rather than increase isolation and fear which can increase these problematic habits.

The following plan might seem detailed, but it can help to have a clear path with motives, words, and actions that you have practiced.  Otherwise, anger can easily take over and escalate the situation. As you read the following steps, try to identify and write words that might be natural for you to use with your child.  Personalize these steps and create them into your own plan.  Then practice it!

When you find your child has seen pornography on accident, on purpose, or repeatedly, begin here:

1. Start from a place of empathy.

Before you ever open your mouth to say anything to your child, take a moment and find empathy for your child.  “The only thing harder than being a parent in the digital age, is being a child in the digital age.” (Modern Book of Manners).  Consider the fear and shame your child might be feeling, and the things that might be happening to your child that you don’t know about.  When we address our children from a place of empathy, it can reduce the shame they may be feeling.  And shame is a feeling that often drives your child back into the pornography, the unhealthy habit, and behavior.  

Shame researcher, Brené Brown, tells us that the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy. “Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘you’re not alone.” (Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead) 

The empathy your child feels from you will help your child want to turn to you when other hard situations arise- because this one won’t be the last!

So, find empathy within yourself and intentionally put an empathetic look on your face and an empathetic tone in your voice.  Then you are ready to speak with your child.  

2.  Say an empathic and non-shaming phrase. 

Try something like: 

• I’m sorry that you had to see all those pictures, it can be so confusing.
• This is really hard, but it’s going to be okay.  We can get through this together.
• I love you no matter what.  I’m so glad I know so I can help. 
• I know how tricky pornography can be, it can make you feel curious.  But we can figure this out.

3.  Ask questions and listen.  

Ask non-shaming or non-accusatory questions.  And then listen to understand.  May be start with something like:

• Let me find out what’s been going on so I can help you. 
• I have a few questions that will help me understand what you’ve been going through so I can help.  
• Ask questions that will help you understand the situation, your child’s perspective of it, and what the underlying issue might be:
  • Does your child need more communication with you about sex?  
  • Do you need to spend time nurturing your parent/child relationship?
  • Is there someone a friend or otherwise, taking advantage of your child, blackmailing them, or bullying them?  
  • Does your child need to learn a better way to handle strong emotions?  
  • Do you need better rules and oversight to help your child when they are feeling more vulnerable?

4. Identify the real enemy in the situation.  

Your child is not your enemy.  Make sure he/she knows it!  Identify the enemy and his lies.  Help the children understand the natural consequences that might come from what has happened and what might come from continuing to believe his lies.  Use statements like:

• The world, or satan uses pornography to teach you lies about sex, not what healthy, good sexual relationships are like.  We don’t want satan to deceive us.  Let’s talk about what healthy sexual relationships are like.
• It can be hard to do turn away from a nude picture when a friend sends it to you.  The world and satan want you to think that people are just bodies, not children of God with eternal worth.  And did you know it’s illegal to have nude picture of kids on your phone?  Can you remind your friends of that if they try to send any more nude pictures?  What can you say if it happens again? Maybe it will be more helpful to block this friend for a while.  It’s a good rule that if anyone ever sends a nude picture to you, you tell me.  Then we can figure out what is the best thing to do.
• The world and satan try to trick us in to thinking pornography doesn’t really hurt anyone.  But let me show the truth about how it can be harmful to your own brain, to women and girls, and to the family that you want to have someday.

5. Introduce your child to Jesus Christ, His love, and power as you create a plan to help your child through the situation.  

Follow through with the plan for as long as it takes.  Use statements like:

• Jesus understands how hard it is to deal with pornography.  
• He loves you no matter what and He will help you.  
• Jesus knew we would make mistakes, so He has a plan for us to get through them. 
• When I repent, I feel so much love from Jesus Christ.
• And I will help you with our plan for as long as it takes!

Remember, reducing fear and shame as you communicate about pornography does not mean that you can’t set rules and boundaries to help keep your child safe – even if they are rules and boundaries your child might not like.  Of course, you can, and you should set boundaries and aggressively try to protect your child.  

But as you follow these steps of empathy and listening, you will have a better chance to persuade and teach your child the reasons why the boundaries are necessary, help them feel your love, and hopefully gain some understanding from your child.

Don’t worry if you have already done this wrong – it happens to all of us.  It takes practice to get these steps to be an instinctive and natural part of your parenting.  So just keep trying and you will get better.  The hard truth is that you usually experience more than one of these kind of situations as you raise your family.  You get many second, third, and fourth chances!  Role playing these steps with your spouse, or your child can be an effective way of preparing yourself and your child.  Involve your spouse and your child- don’t make it too serious!  Smile and laugh and have fun as you try to role play and practice your way to a more pornography resistant family!